How to Date Online Unsuccessfully for Less Than $20 Per Year

I believe I'm single for a lot of reasons. I'm 47. I have a six year old son. I'm not a good cook. I have a strange, sometimes frightening, sense of humor. I live in Tennessee, and I'm a progressive voter. I write essays about bad first dates and publish them on "the internets."

I'm sure there are many other reasons only my therapist knows but is too afraid to tell me for fear of reprisal or complete emotional decompensation.

But though I'm doing just fine as a single person -- and don't want a relationship unless it's the right one -- and simply need to give love and be open to the possibility of love -- and all those things people say when they are trying to convince people that even though they are partner-less, they are still emotionally healthy and highly evolved, dammit -- I still couldn't stay away from the most recent pitch from match.com.

Here's how it works: Pay for six months of the online matchmaking subscription to match.com. Put a picture up. Keep your profile visible. Each month write to five other deer-in-the-headlight subscribers, just like yourself. And at the end of six months, if you haven't found your "special someone," you get six more months of match.com free!

Okay, so yes, that's a little bit like surviving the sinking of the Titanic and being given a cruise as a lovely parting gift.

But I'm drawn to match.com like I'm drawn to the flashing neon "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign at Krispy Kreme, which come to think of it is probably another reason I remain single.

Match.com calls this their "Make Love Happen" Guarantee. (Guarantee, no less! How could I possibly NOT sign up?!?).

Only my goal isn't to find love. My goal is to get the six free months.

In my goal-directed excitement, I made the mistake of talking with a friend about it. I'm sure he meant to say, "I support you in this!", but somehow it came out, "Dear God, no, you're doing that AGAIN? Are you really THAT naive?"

Me: But this time I pay for six months and then get it free!

Him: Oh, okay, I guess it might be worth it if you get a free lifetime membership. Sounds sort of like Weight Watchers.

Me: It's not a lifetime membership. It's six months free. And I got a special deal of six months for nineteen ninety-five!

Him: So you are putting yourself through six months of dating hell for a twenty buck payoff?

Me: Well...

Him: I guess it is like Weight Watchers, except instead of gradually losing weight, you gradually lose self-esteem.

I. Hate. Him.


And now it's the end of yet another month. The monthly match.com "make love happen guarantee" clock is ticking.

And once again I've just sent out five emails like this:

Hi,

I don't fit your qualifications as a match, but hey, I've got to send out five unique emails this month in order to keep the guarantee going...

... so there ya go.

Best of luck in your search,
Abby

Yes, I'm making love happen! Thank you, match.com!

(sadly, to be continued...)